Cock Blocking Conversations

A  few disclaimers / reminders - Firstly, this is 'my angry voice'. This is not my balanced argument voice or my polite voice or my I-don't-want-to-cause-offence-but voice. This is my angry voice. Secondly, there are female and homosexual conversation cock-blocker, but I haven't come across them... yet! 

I'm redefining cock-blocking. 

A friend of mine recently tweeted a link to an article where Scarlett Johannson was complaining about an unending barrage of questions from media outlets about her pants, who she is wearing and her beauty regime. Within a matter of moments, a reply popped up "Yeah, yeah but it's not just women. Men get asked stupid questions in interviews all the time. What about..." and the commenter went on to angrily post various occasions were men's work hadn't been taken seriously. 

This is cock-blocking.

Across the world, discussions about the abuse and maltreatment of women, both insidious and explicit, is being dismissed by people because "men get shit too". It might start with a 'what about David Beckham in his pants - that's just the same as American Apparel's ads' but can quickly lead to a 'what about us' in more sensitive arenas. 

Please help save this man from a lifetime of sexual exploitation. 

I'm going to start with a pretty horrifying example, but one that I encountered AGAIN today. I got involved in an online conversation on the horror of female genital mutilation and a few seconds of internet time later up popped a comment complaining about circumcision -  "what about the mutilation of boys every single day across the world." The whole comment thread was derailed into an argument about circumcision and how we should be protesting that instead!

Whatever your opinion on circumcision, there is one thing we all need to remember. The common practise of male circumcision HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION. NOTHING. Female genital mutilation is an entirely separate issue. Have a portest about circumcision by all means - plan events, make posters and march, complain and write articles - but do not bring these issues into a conversation about FGM. I am not going to stop discussing FGM because many male babies get circumcised in America. 

I have had to virtually defriend two people in recent times because they have insisted on angrily and incessantly commenting that I shouldn't run events to raise money for women's shelters as they don't take male victims of domestic abuse. Is it not obvious why women's shelters don't take men? It is obviously utterly awful that there are male victims of domestic abuse and of course they deserve as much help and support, but this does not negate the need for women's shelters and it does not mean that a charity dedicated to the issue of abused women should extend their resources beyond their capacity and expertise!!

Similarly I am not going to stop complaining about the treatment of female celebrities because some male celebrities are sometimes given a tough time. They are two separate issues - men are not routinely sexualised and EVEN IF THEY WERE it does not mean we should not call out what is happening to women or wait until men's issues are sorted before women's grab focus!

"Yeah, but what about that Beckham pic? It's just the same as this." 

There are different kinds of cock-blockers. The only similarities, in my experience, are that they are male and heterosexual. 

Firstly, the most vehement cock blockers of them all whom I will refer to as 'attention seeking, under-developed man-children'. Yes that is intentionally inflammatory and dismissive. They wade into FGM arguments and fights about women's shelters. If you are one of these men, you need to grow up (after muttering miserably that some women are crap too) and accept that the conversation is NOT ABOUT YOU. Nope. Not even a little bit about you. Sometimes conversations can happen that are not about you AT ALL. And then deal with your issues around women - go to a men's group or book an appointment with a therapist - find the space to talk about what you need to talk about and face reality. Stop reading, mutter to yourself about how I clearly hate men and should go to a therapist myself and then contact these guys immediately: A Band of Brothers

Rant over.

But, most men don't fit into that category and yet some still cock-block. Most men, in my experience, are lovely and yet on issues of sexualisation of girls, portrayal of women in the media and other women's issues they will still cock block. Why? 

It is vital that we as women are able to speak up and discuss what is happening to our sex across the world. There are awful things happening at all levels of society and in all cultures. Similarly, it is vital that men are able to speak up and discuss what is happening to women and girls across the world. Cock-blocking these conversations is ridiculous....

Unless...

Ah....

Is that the issue?

There are male dominated sex abuse scandals being revealed every week and the passage of history can seem like a great rape-filled conquest with men carrying all the flags and wielding all the spears and guns. Despite a number of women being the pimps and brothel owners of the world, there are FAR fewer female sex traffickers than male, there are far fewer female creators and viewers of rape pornography, there are far, far fewer female paedophiles and rapists and fewer women threatening twitter users with rape.

Is engaging in the conversation about male behaviour just too hard for heterosexual men to deal with? Does discussing the rise of teenage girls having sex without being aroused raise too many questions in the minds of good men - "Have I done that? Have I been that person? Could I be that person? Is finding a girl sexually attractive the same as objectifying?" 

Women have to carry the weight of thousands of years of abuse that is not at an end. This is a horrifying and incredibly difficult and complex thing to bear. 

But alongside, there is another truth: good men have to carry the weight of being the same sex as the perpetrators of all that horror. On top of that, they now have to stave off a flurry of easily accessible and dangerous titillation and the increasingly violent treatment of women in porn (there will be a blog one day about the problems of pornography, but not yet).

How do you deal with that weight and what narratives and examples can men look to for guidance?

Hiding from the monster within us all? 

So maybe that is it - the best reason I can come up with for cock-blocking conversations - the idea that discussing these issues openly will inevitably lead to facing something internal and frightening; are these angry comments in conversations a hidden, subconscious response to protect the brain from facing the dark history of mankind?

I don't know.

But I do know this: cock-blocking helps no-one. Please start the conversation - don't block it.

Some of our best and bravest men are starting the conversation: http://clearlines.org.uk/schedule/where-have-all-the-good-men-gone/